Mayor to outlaw bedrooms with walls

The exposed Maafannu cemetery as currently seen with the naked eye

In a move that is sure not only to raise many eyebrows but also upset the knickers of many a Conservative, Male’ City Council has announced that it is set to outlaw all bedrooms which currently have walls built around them.

“Too much sex and drugs have been going on behind closed walls and this is why we had no choice but to tear down the walls of Maafannu cemetery recently as well,” the always media accessible Mayor Sarangu Adam Manik told Turquoise Lagoon in an exclusive interview without any prior appointments.

Asked whether he really meant “behind closed doors” instead, the benevolent Mayor replied: “There would be no need for doors if there are no walls, right?”

The groundbreaking or rather wallbreaking move comes in the wake of protests by Adhaalath Party - the town prostitute which is now courting the ruling MDP’s bed without which the MDP is believed would not have been able to climb into the presidential bed at all - which claims that “fornication is rising in popularity.”

“Maldivians didn’t know about the twin evils Sex and Democracy before Gayoom, who after pondering for over 30 years, decided to play his final card to utterly ruin the Maldives by cunningly introducing these two basic evils through his so-called Reform Agenda of June 2004,” Adhaalath Party’s presidential hopeful Imran Abdulla told TL.

The party, before it came to power along with the MDP, earlier tried to prove in court that Gayoom was not a Sunni Muslim, but a Gayoom-friendly judge saw through the façade, and knowing full well that what the Adhaalath Party was trying was in fact to prove that Gayoom was non-Muslim and not just a non-Sunni, the judge shrewdly threw out the case, knowing full well that if Gayoom was declared an apostate, it would force Maldives to change its Constitution and laws to allow in the much dreaded Secularism in order to allow the beloved Gayoom to fully enjoy his citizenship rights whilst remaining in the Maldives.

The majority of Maldivians interviewed by TL are showing mixed reactions to the Mayor’s recent unilateral decision to tear down all bedroom walls.

“I guess the government is coming out of the closet now, what with no real opposition being there anymore. So my thinking is that the secretly secular government now wants us to take the next step and carry out the liberal agenda -- like sex -- out in the open,” said Ali Manik, a vendor at the Local Market who identifies himself as Conservative. “This is kind of confusing since traditionally Maldivians treated things like sex as very private and was only conducted behind closed doors and closed walls.”

But another neighboring vendor, who seemed Liberal, said he welcomed the Mayor’s move. “So far every policy the government is adopting is according to the line I voted for them. If the government wants us now to have sex out in the open, I don’t mind. I’ve waited all my life for this moment. My only hope is that the perverts who come to video me having sex with my girlfriend in my room at least video it in High Definition so that we both wouldn’t look ugly as me and my girlfriend have the smoothest skin on earth and being videoed in 1080p would pose no danger to us as we don’t have pimples and other goosebumps type of stuff ruining our looks.”

Only one individual and one organization so far have officially endorsed the Male’ City Council and the Adhaalath Party’s move.

“That was the original idea behind tearing down the walls of Sultan Park,” said Health Minister Dr. Aminath Jameel, who was opposed by religious Conservatives when President Nasheed initially wanted to declare her his running mate. “I mean CHSE students were secretly having sex there and now that we have brought down the walls of the Sultan Park they have no choice but to come out in the open. Our MDP government’s policy is to make all aspects of Maldivian life as transparent and uncorrupt as possible. So if anybody needs to have sex, they don’t need to be hypocritical or shy or abui about it. So go ahead. Just do it. But make sure no children are around.”

As an afterthought, she added: “Well, there’s also the other reason which is quite trivial and unimportant. What I mean is the health factor. When there are no walls in parks and cemeteries, people are exposed to greenery and fresh air and we all know how healthy that makes people.”

The Islamic Foundation of Maldives, which is the other party in agreement with the Male’ City Council’s decision, said that it wholeheartedly supported the move. “An open view of the cemetery and a daily doze of views of graves will surely remind all Maldivians of the close proximity of death and that they could die at any moment. The Universe is unpredictable and chaotic and that's a fact. Hopefully such reminders of our own mortality would always remind the faithful to always behave morally because they will always be reminded that death could come for them at any time, like what happened to the poor fellows who are now currently lying under those beautiful white tombstones,” said IFM spokesman Dust bin Dust.

In concluding the interview with TL, the Mayor, who was accompanied by Imran Abdulla, said that the Internet is their next target.

“My fellow Imran here is right,” the Mayor said. “The Internet is leading to fornication and infanticides. So this project will be carried out simultaneously as we strive to build more stronger walls around the Internet to make it at least 100 percent inaccessible to Maldivians in order to preserve our pure way of life for the past 4,000 years.”

Meanwhile, many rational minority extremists are protesting that the Male’ City Council’s move is a Jewish and Christian collaborated conspiracy to wipe out the real Islam from Maldives.

“Next the Mayor will come tearing down the walls of Ibraheemee Mosque, on the excuse to break up the harmless discrete bromances taking place inside our mosque,” an Ibraheemee Mosque permanent resident told TL on condition of anonymity.

“What they should really be doing instead is remove that highly offensive Coca Cola poster with the girl in a sexy pose placed in front of our mosque which is currently distracting our imam while in the midst of prayers and we suspect it will soon erode our secret gay values and turn us all into heterosexuals, thus forcing us to conform to society’s majority values.

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“We are against this herd mentality. President Nasheed should understand that democracy is all about diversity and already we Wahhabis being a minority, we are an endangered race and if the government does not do anything to give us special protection as minorities, our invaluable and rich contribution to Maldives’ civilization will disappear overnight like the many species which are becoming extinct every day due to Man’s arrogance as he is the only lucky one to evolve to the level of top predator.”